You wake up from the longest slumber that you have ever felt.

You are not young anymore, last time you remember all of your skin wrinkles more than your husband’s shirt after a long day working at the market. You need a hearing aid in order to listen properly without being shouted at, your memory is so lousy you can’t remember if you had lunch or not. But today, everything is okay. You have never felt so good in the last thirty years.

At first, you don’t really recognize where you are, just the smell of the earth is so distinct you can’t really ignore them, You start to put your hand on whatever around you and–

Soil! Soil everywhere! 

You feel like screaming when you feel like you are drowning inside the earth, your breathing returns to normal when you realize you could go around it and release yourself. You move around to try to understand where you are, it is a huge garden with not so much around. Not even a chair, not a lot of flowers, you found the centerpiece being a piece of stone covered with expensive marble and some writings of your name and the name of your not-yet-but-almost deceased husband.

Quite far away from you, in the other garden complex, there is a family with a warm and loving atmosphere, putting a spread of bread, chickens, oranges, and other fruits in front of the somehow similar altar. They all pray for her with the hio–the red stick incense. They look like flawlessly coordinated machines, moving without effort in their own station. When they finished with the prayer, they spread some flower petals and put some silver paper on top of the soil. What a beautiful thing to see, that is nothing more than what you wish in life: to see your family in unity and harmony, that is every parents dream.

You watched the entire process unfolding, kind of wishing that you were with your family as well. But everywhere you look, this garden that could fit at least 50 people easily is empty. You started to feel very sad inside, where is your family when you miss them the most? You always put them in the center of your life, everything else is secondary but the primary thing is your family, but where are they when you need them the most?

“Please, we are here for mama! We are not having a discussion in front of her, you know on this day she could actually hear us right?”

You recognize her as Mei Mei, your youngest. She is always known to be the most vocal person, the one that points out that Ling Ling's designer bag is a fake Louis Vuitton or her child is in a relationship with someone from a non-Chinese family that would bring disgrace. She has a very “sharp” mouth, some people are easily offended by her, but she gets the job done. 

“Mei Mei! Hello, do you know where is this?”

You tried to attract attention by reaching Mei mei’s shoulder but you can’t seem to reach her. Your words only caught the void, with the troops of a huge family flooding in after her but nobody could see you. You saw her four daughters and one son, your in-laws, your grandchildren, everyone coming together to see you today. It is a very rare occasion–but now you recognize where you are.

It is your graveyard. They are coming to visit you on the day of Cheng Beng.

Cheng Beng is a Chinese version of the Day of the Death. The name itself derived from the Hokkien word, the mandarin version would be Qing Ming. Families come to their deceased loved ones' graveyards to clean the grave and are also a part of the family reunion after the Chinese New Year. It is celebrated around April, you don't know why. Even though you celebrate that all your life, a lot of historical aspects around why is not too clear. When you were born Chinese-Indonesian, especially as a girl, everybody expected you to just obey, no question asked, put your head down and be a good kid and carry on.

“Don’t be a hypocrite, ah, Mei! You are simply changing the subject!”

Ling Ling is your oldest daughter, the oldest of the five. She is the big boss, married to a successful businessman from Taiwan. She has two smaller kids, all of them are male! You never tell anyone but she is your favorite child. But Ling Ling and Mei Mei have always had some sort of rivalry since they were children. It is maybe partially your fault for always comparing Mei Mei to Ling Ling, but you do it for the good of them! Mei Mei wouldn’t be as successful as right now if you didn’t do it. 

One thing bothered her with these shenanigans,

Where are the bread? Where are the fruits? When you die, they all put a hefty amount of your favorite food for you. Shame that you can’t eat them, but you really appreciate the effort, it is how it’s supposed to be done. It just feels weird that they spend their time bickering so intensely that the rest of the family feels awkward to even move and start to do the ritual.

“Please stop, she would be sad if she saw her children fighting in front of her grave.” Wen Ling, his second child and the oldest son try to break their fight.

You are right, I am so sad. Please stop. Wei Ling is always my favorite child. Is this how I will repay in the afterlife after everything?

You didn't believe in supernatural power when you were alive. You don’t even believe in ghosts, but something changes in their faces as if they’ve seen a ghost. After being silent for a bit, they move quickly, a little unorganized but as if their boss just showed up and was about to oversee all the work. All the food offerings are set, and all the incense for praying are lit. Did anything change? Did you just manifest in front of them?

One by one they all finished praying in front of you. You feel strangely happy seeing them still thinking and paying respect in front of you, so is this how it feels like to be on the other side? The peace unfortunately didn’t last for too long.

“You know, mama always prefers me over you. Today just doesn’t change anything, don’t think with her passing it would change it.” 

Ling Ling broke the silence; she is true because some things might never change.